One of the most common goals that parents write down for their children in therapy is some variation of “learn to talk about their feelings.” You spend a lot more time with your children than we do as therapists, and you have an opportunity to be the best model they will ever have. Parents sometimes say that they don’t feel equipped to handle what their child is going through and just want them to have a space to work things out. As a therapist, I can certainly understand why that is valuable; but I also want to encourage you to remember that the relationship you have with your kids can be a safe space for both you and your child, to work things out even if you aren’t sure what to think or feel about something that happened.
That said – I don’t assume that it is easy. However, being open with your child about your experience of your emotions can help them to learn to express and regulate their own.
Of course, a few tips might be helpful as you try to have some tough conversations:
Gather information before you try to talk. Try to think about what questions your kids might have, but also be ready to say “You know, I don’t know. Let’s learn about this together” or “I’ll look into that and get back to you.” Having some facts will help your kids to feel comfortable with what you are telling them; being honest about what you don’t know and being willing to figure it out helps them to see you as a real person who must figure things out sometimes.
Have feelings without being controlled by them. It is absolutely okay to tell your children that you feel angry, scared, or sad about something that happened. It’s even okay to cry, shake with fear, or say that you need to calm down before you talk. When you talk, though, let those feelings just be feelings. They are your reaction to what is happening, not the thing that is happening. Even better, it’s normal; it’s normal for you and it’s normal for your kids. Talking about it together in a relatively calm manner helps them know that they can have and discuss feelings safely.
Try to avoid directions when it comes to feelings and tough situations. Rather than “you need to talk” or “I want you to open up,” you might instead go with “You look sad right now” or “I’m here to talk about this whenever you are ready.” We’re sticking with the facts, not the instructions. You might even try just talking about what you have going on and leaving room for them to respond or ask questions.
Try to avoid labeling feelings as good, bad, useful, harmful, or some other measure of value. Instead, the feelings simply are. You and your child simply have them or experience them. In that way, try to avoid saying “you shouldn’t feel this way” or “don’t feel that way,” but instead focus on what is happening. “I hear you’re feeling sad; would you like to tell me what that’s like?”
Remember that talking about our feelings isn’t just something that we achieve once and then never have to do again. Regular talks and check-ins with your kids, on good days and bad days, tell them that feelings aren’t just something we only deal with when things are hard. Just like you wouldn’t want to only focus on sad things yourself, you want to set the stage for them to be excited, joyful, and grateful for their experiences too.
Whenever possible, keep what you share with your children appropriate to their age and maturity and what they can handle. They don’t need to know every detail about what led to you feeling the way you do, but having some clue about why you feel the way you do can help them to manage the way they feel about it too. Keep it basic, factual, and honest without trying to push an agenda or perspective while still being real about what you feel.
Talking about feelings with your children may seem overwhelming. You understandably don’t want to burden them with your problems by oversharing the details, but by discussing how you feel, you can open a dialogue about how they feel. Demonstrating that talking about your feelings is just something you do, whether it’s a good day or a bad day, helps them to do the same. Therapy can absolutely help with this by providing a safe environment for you or your children to get the hang of it (maybe even together), but even that gets easier when you practice at home too.
